Is it ok if i abonden my feeling and let him go and be happy?
Assalamu Alaykum .....
I am married for two years and have a baby alhmdlh. My husband married me for benefits. I feel sorry for myself I would have really liked to marry man who would love me only unconditional. We live together get old together and well later eventually die but well alhmdlh i now know we were created to worship Allah and that a man is allowed to have four wives this is something i accept but am to weak to bare.
But there is no use living on hope or dreams which will eventually never happen and obviously it hasn't happen before so why would it happen later. So I have been thinking to separate from my husband since we don't love each other anyway and well will not ever since he married me for benefits and he keeps telling you are not what i wanted (my looks,my length,what i am,where i come from,my origin) so yah i feel sad but have accepted so I have been thinking alot and wish to separate from my husband next year inshlh and give him permission to take other wives on one condition he shouldn't let me know about it. In fact once we separate i don't want to be a part of his life don't wana know where he is what his doing. I just don't want it to be my business.
I feel this man has chosen the wrong girl for himself and regrets it because like he said i am not what he wanted ok so now i have to deal with it with his mistake which was marrying me like my feelings just have to be bombed up ok ,is this ok?
Do i have to make istikhaarah for this?
Is it allowed to do this? I mean instead of hearing him all the time telling me while we are out or when we watch tv he says like wow now that's beauty or she has a nice body or before we have sex he says i saw a beautiful women today that's why i came to you to protect myself can i like make this real for him like give him the opportunity to actually marry such beautiful women with beautiful bodies?
Because obviously i don't have that but Inshlh in jannah i willi mean im not special to him in anyway or his source of protection against zina i mean alot of men have beautiful wives with beautiful bodies but still do zina. So i mean to him im not that beautiful so why cant he just go out there and find what he wants and stop making me feel ugly or bad because to me i'm pretty. In fact a rare beauty who if not can be appreciated well would love to rather be thrown away .... i don't have a valid excuse for a divorce so i don't wana not enter jannah for a divorce i force without a valid reason so i will sacrifice all my feelings for jannah.
Is this ok?
Am i normal?